Facebook Depression

You know what's more awesome than seeing posts about people getting engaged and people being pregnant?  Getting my teeth drilled, having hot coals thrown at me and stepping in poo with bare feet.

Is it bad that every time someone posts a beautiful picture of their ring finger with a caption like, "Well, this just happened," or something even more romantic like, "She said yes!" I want to comment and say, "Who fucking cares."

Or, "Do you have any spare razors where that ring came from?"  I mean, honestly, what's more depressing for a single person than seeing everyone else's lives moving forward?  No-thing...I split it apart so you would emphasize NO THING.  

PS.  When I finally get engaged, I better get at least 205 comments from everybody being so, out of control, happy for me.  I better get much more than the "Likes" that I can barely muster up when someone posts it now.  

What?  You ask, Why do you get to be a bitch and then expect great things in return?  Because.  Because.  I've been happy enough for all you assholes for too long.  I'm done.
Next baby or engagement post, I'm sending the middle finger emoji.

Signed, 

Not Zen...as if you had to ask

How to Wake up

Zen... that is not fucking me. I'm the other half of this blog.... the friend, the non-Zen one. Ya know why? Being single BLOWS. This morning I Facetimed my family and started balling on Facetime. I acted like it was just because I missed them, and yeah they're ok but I don't really miss them. I just damn saw them at Thanksgiving. I was crying because they have a family and people around and I woke up by myself in bed. Here's how I'd like to wake up pre-children...wake up and fuck. Yes, that's right. I love me some morning sex and guess what I didn't have this morning? Sex. Post kids, I'm totally cool with being woken up by being pounced on by children but for right now...I'm REAL OVER WAKING UP ALONE.

My friend is so positive and she's gonna find a wonderful man who will cherish her and love everything about her.

Me, right now I just need to get laid. Good sex, bad sex, I don't even fucking care. Ha! Fucking care-pun intended.