open letter to my ex who I saw at the store yesterday

Dear ExBoyfriend,

I know, I was the one who saw you and stopped you, and then I was kind of a bitch to you. I just never want to wonder "what if." First thing you told me was all about how you were still in town, how the job fell through, and how you told your boss, "Well, I kind of made life decisions on that." Were you implying me? Because if you thought about someone other than just yourself, we could have survived that situation. But you don't. I thought about us. You thought about you.

You asked me if I was dating anyone. I told you only two first dates, that, contrary to your belief, I don't jump in relationships with just anyone. Interestingly enough, you've already had a relationship in the five months since we've been broken up, which, as you told me, ended yesterday. Funny how that works, that, towards the end of our relationship in therapy, you bring up how we just started dating right away when we met, and we were together. You said something along the lines of, "It's like you'll just date anyone, just to be with someone." Hate to look more deeply at this (well, no, actually I don't) but looks like you were once again deflecting your shortcomings onto me.

You asked for your bike, which yes, I still have, though I mentioned I should have sold it to pay off all the airfare I had purchased for our summer trips. To that, you just looked away, knowing that's the truth. Sure, come on over and get it, but maybe sooner? So we don't have to do this again?

I don't like to make things up, but as I tried to leave a few times, it felt like you just wanted to keep talking. And I know why - we got along so well, had fun together, enjoyed each other's company, and I loved you, like really, really loved you. Except you just can't do intimacy. You avoid it at all costs. You're a 32 year old man who has to say "Olive juice" when I told you I loved you. As if saying I love you even qualifies as intimacy.

So when you wonder why you can't hold a relationship down, why in 5 months you're already a failure at it again, why in the sixth months when we broke up the first time, you failed at two other short relationships, well, here's a news flash: you have to get all in emotionally to make things work. You have to let yourself attach to the person to make a relationship last. If you can't do that, no relationship is going to work, not with me, not with your little flings, not with your dream girl.

Sincerely, Zen

ask a GD question!

I've been single awhile - I mean, aside from that 3 1/2 years, mainly all of my adult life. So, I've done the dating apps before, and now I'm just back at it.

Before, I would try and be so accomodating with guys. I'd drive the conversations, I'd meet them somewhere convenient if they wanted, and <gasp> I'd even offer to pay on the first date.

The new me is here.

Current problem is that lots of men don't ask questions as we're talking and getting to know one another. Take for example...

So, he's got the "How about you?" going strong, but that's really it. If I had time to type up more of this conversation, you would see more of it above, but you get the point.

So now what? The old me would keep on asking him questions, I'm sure I'd suggest us meeting, then let him pick the place...

But no more. Now, if they can't keep up the conversation, #byefelicia. If you can't be bothered to ask a few questions, what will it be like on our first date? Oh, I know....you'll be talking and talking and talking...and I'll tell you the rest on my next post. I had a date just before Christmas that went like this.

Hey single ladies, am I expecting too much?

Do you find yourself in similar situations?

Have a great day friends,

The Zen One 

Valentine's Day Plans

 Already planning a fabulous Valentine's Day celebration over here. I've got one single friend in already and have two more to ask. First thing we're going to do, watch this movie:

And then, going to a Speed Dating event. I've never done one, so that will be a new experience.

What we're not doing: Staying home alone, eating pizza and chocolate, and hanging ourselves from the shower rod. Okay, maybe there will be pizza and chocolate, but with a side of a hilarious movie and new dates.

How are you celebrating Single Awareness Day?

Zenfully Yours, B

Complementary

My friend and I love to write. Our fave things to write about are posts that we usually don't publish because, most likely, we will piss someone off. We also really like to write about dating, but then we get our family and friends telling us we are bitches and we need to be more open to the guys we are going on dates with, and that maybe, we're single because we're mean. (We're not - the dating world sucks!) So....we created this blog so we have a free place share our stories with like-minded women (and men?), swamped in a dating world that dgaf about us.

As we were brainstorming this blog on a recent Skype conversation, we came up with some of the following ideas for names: 

Singles Insanity

Love the Single Ladies

Not your average single girl

Choose Carefully

Patiently Single

Painfully Single

The Modern Single

Scary Single

Dating these Days

Zen Single

Luckily we landed where we did, and then after Not Zen wrote her first post, we were immediately thinking of the Yin-Yang. You know, they're opposites:

Wikipedia defines them as complimentary though. I like to see it that way better. Not Zen's tell-it-like-it-is style is funny and so engaging. Then there's me, who thinks all the same things as her, but it comes out a little more tame. So, I know you'll be laughing your ass off at her, and then you'll get a little optimism from me, and hopefully the balance makes you return for a visit.

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Facebook Depression

You know what's more awesome than seeing posts about people getting engaged and people being pregnant?  Getting my teeth drilled, having hot coals thrown at me and stepping in poo with bare feet.

Is it bad that every time someone posts a beautiful picture of their ring finger with a caption like, "Well, this just happened," or something even more romantic like, "She said yes!" I want to comment and say, "Who fucking cares."

Or, "Do you have any spare razors where that ring came from?"  I mean, honestly, what's more depressing for a single person than seeing everyone else's lives moving forward?  No-thing...I split it apart so you would emphasize NO THING.  

PS.  When I finally get engaged, I better get at least 205 comments from everybody being so, out of control, happy for me.  I better get much more than the "Likes" that I can barely muster up when someone posts it now.  

What?  You ask, Why do you get to be a bitch and then expect great things in return?  Because.  Because.  I've been happy enough for all you assholes for too long.  I'm done.
Next baby or engagement post, I'm sending the middle finger emoji.

Signed, 

Not Zen...as if you had to ask

How to Wake up

Zen... that is not fucking me. I'm the other half of this blog.... the friend, the non-Zen one. Ya know why? Being single BLOWS. This morning I Facetimed my family and started balling on Facetime. I acted like it was just because I missed them, and yeah they're ok but I don't really miss them. I just damn saw them at Thanksgiving. I was crying because they have a family and people around and I woke up by myself in bed. Here's how I'd like to wake up pre-children...wake up and fuck. Yes, that's right. I love me some morning sex and guess what I didn't have this morning? Sex. Post kids, I'm totally cool with being woken up by being pounced on by children but for right now...I'm REAL OVER WAKING UP ALONE.

My friend is so positive and she's gonna find a wonderful man who will cherish her and love everything about her.

Me, right now I just need to get laid. Good sex, bad sex, I don't even fucking care. Ha! Fucking care-pun intended.

Single Christmas

I've recently began dating again after a breakup in August. I dated a guy for three and a half years and he thought I was just okay, so I finally got all my strength together and ended things. I've been nursing this breakup for the past four months and now I'm sitting on my best friend's couch, and we're doing our single Christmas together.

As I perused through facebook today, I saw a post by Brené Brown. She writes:

This has become my annual holiday post. I share it because I need the reminder that we are not alone in the mess.

Every year as I think about my own life and reflect upon what my family and what many of the people around me are going through this Christmas, it’s clear that struggle doesn’t take off for the holidays.

The gremlins don’t go on vacation. Checks bounce, chemotherapy appointments are scheduled, interventions are planned, relationships keep unraveling, being alone feels even lonelier, parents negotiate who will have the kids on Christmas morning, and the “never enoughs” are in full swing.

As I prepare to spend the next few days with my family and friends I come back to this: I will find my holiday magic in the mess. I will practice love and gratitude with the special group of folks who keep showing up and loving me, not despite my vulnerabilities, but because of them.

I'm grateful for our community. For your generosity and the respectful way we move forward together! Blessings, Brené

And you know, it's so true....being alone feels even lonelier, and even as I sit here with my bff, who shares the same circumstances as me, we both do still feel alone. But, like Brené, we have to find the magic in the mess. So what that we're sitting here, by ourselves, watching Friends and we are 35 and there's no kids running around? We do our best to stay Zen, reminding ourselves that we have awesome homes, great friendships and jobs, and lots of family who love us no matter what our personal lives hold.

We're planning to make 2016  great, and I'll be sharing it all here with you - the dates, the relationship conundrums that peculate in my mind, the trying to get over the ex and the life I thought was right in front of me. Just one short year from now, who knows where I'll be?