open letter to my ex who I saw at the store yesterday

Dear ExBoyfriend,

I know, I was the one who saw you and stopped you, and then I was kind of a bitch to you. I just never want to wonder "what if." First thing you told me was all about how you were still in town, how the job fell through, and how you told your boss, "Well, I kind of made life decisions on that." Were you implying me? Because if you thought about someone other than just yourself, we could have survived that situation. But you don't. I thought about us. You thought about you.

You asked me if I was dating anyone. I told you only two first dates, that, contrary to your belief, I don't jump in relationships with just anyone. Interestingly enough, you've already had a relationship in the five months since we've been broken up, which, as you told me, ended yesterday. Funny how that works, that, towards the end of our relationship in therapy, you bring up how we just started dating right away when we met, and we were together. You said something along the lines of, "It's like you'll just date anyone, just to be with someone." Hate to look more deeply at this (well, no, actually I don't) but looks like you were once again deflecting your shortcomings onto me.

You asked for your bike, which yes, I still have, though I mentioned I should have sold it to pay off all the airfare I had purchased for our summer trips. To that, you just looked away, knowing that's the truth. Sure, come on over and get it, but maybe sooner? So we don't have to do this again?

I don't like to make things up, but as I tried to leave a few times, it felt like you just wanted to keep talking. And I know why - we got along so well, had fun together, enjoyed each other's company, and I loved you, like really, really loved you. Except you just can't do intimacy. You avoid it at all costs. You're a 32 year old man who has to say "Olive juice" when I told you I loved you. As if saying I love you even qualifies as intimacy.

So when you wonder why you can't hold a relationship down, why in 5 months you're already a failure at it again, why in the sixth months when we broke up the first time, you failed at two other short relationships, well, here's a news flash: you have to get all in emotionally to make things work. You have to let yourself attach to the person to make a relationship last. If you can't do that, no relationship is going to work, not with me, not with your little flings, not with your dream girl.

Sincerely, Zen